Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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