Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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