Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize