her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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