they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
