i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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