If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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