Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
