I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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