i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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