this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
