I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
