I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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