I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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