If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
