and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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