I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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