omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
