You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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