my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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