I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
