Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
