When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
