i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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