chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
