after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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