Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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