Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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