I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Quick, to the slutcave!
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
