i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
found the other keg... it's in the tree
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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