why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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