put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Randomize
