im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Well I just put wine in my tea
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
