I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
