I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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