they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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