You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
