They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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