i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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