I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
