he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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