theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
