The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize