just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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