Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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