Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
