You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
