I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
