I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
