the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
