Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
