I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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