Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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